Of Love and Hate

Let me see, how do I not turn this into a pity party.

See, the problem is that I have been going out more, hanging out with new people, experiencing new things and realizing how much world I’m missing. And every time I put myself out there, I feel rewarded in the ways that I used to think could never happen - I have a fantastic new friendship, I can finally say I don’t hate clubbing, I’m just being so much more comfortable with who I am and what I want to achieve.

And then of course Mondays happen and you go and juxtapose my heightened social prowess with the hell that is mindef, and you can’t help but feel depressed.

See, I thought that after my boss left and the new boss took over, I would stop feeling like the germ in a pile of dog shit. Except that that didn’t happen. There’s nothing at mindef that can be used to salvage what a terrible wreck that place is.

I hate taking the stupid hour-long bus ride, going up the stupid hill and alighting at that horrible bus stop. I hate the extra 5 min walk up to the building after that, with the giant freaking flag exposing itself to me. I hate going to an office where every single moment is spent doing meaningless work and where I have to feel constantly on my toes.

I hate that the only reason I haven’t killed myself yet is that I actually have friends in there, but even then there are people who think that you’re not allowed to have friends. I hate that everyone has been so throughly brainwashed that nobody loves themselves anymore. I hate that people stop being people. I hate that everyone is so fake, backstabbing everyone else like it’s JC. I hate that I have to be fake too (though not in the same manner).

I hate having to wake up at 6 and sometimes being home only at 9. I hate that the people don’t see what lies they are living and how they affect others. I hate the white walls filled with brainless propaganda. I hate the yellow glow of office lights. I hate the uniform design of the computers. I hate grey cabinets and their locking bars. I hate spreadsheets and text documents. I hate outlook and the black phone.

I hate the horrible canteen, even though some of the aunties there are really nice. I hate going to work only looking forward to each next hour. I hate counting down the days. I hate locking up. I hate walking back down to the stupid bus stop, seeing the same idiotic faces. I hate taking the one-hour bus ride back.

There’s so much hate there. And yet my social life is growing in ways that blow my mind. They say that OCS makes officers because of the psychological training that they go through. Clearly some people have never been clerks at mindef. Some have never had political opinions. Some have never had dreams and aspirations. OCS does not a person make. Life does, and mindef is the complete antithesis of life.

I am a minority. I am a deviant. I am unnatural. I am a fucking human being.

Thank you very much.