Watching dramas makes me think about my own life. That’s not a good thing.

Michael Jackson - She’s Out Of My Life
She’s out of my life
She’s out of my life
And I don’t know whether to laugh or cry
I don’t know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
She’s out of my life

It’s out of my hands
It’s out of my hands
To think for two years she was here
And I took her for granted I was so cavalier
Now the way that It stands
She’s out of my hands

So I’ve learned that love’s Not Possession
And I’ve learned that love won’t wait
Now I’ve learned that love needs expression
But I learned too late

She’s out of my life
She’s out of my life
Damned Indecision and cursed pride
Kept my love for her locked deep Inside
And it cuts like a knife
She’s out of my life

Isn’t this just the cutest? Go read the article, more rainbows and unicorns await. [JJ]

It’s moments like this that make me hold on tighter to my hopeless romanticism.

I was looking at the photos that Phyl and I took last Friday when someone came up and asked me, “Is that your girl?”

The only thing I could think of was.

~~~

I know I posted it down there, but I’ve moved it up because it feels so much more apt now.

Celine Dion - Taking Chances

Don’t know much about your life.
Don’t know much about your world, but
Don’t want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don’t know about my past, and
I don’t have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it’s not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there’s solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there’s solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There’s nothing like love to pull you up,
When you’re laying down on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there’s solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

Don’t know much about your life
And I don’t know much about your world.

It never really did rain, and the ground did not heal, and the diamonds remain scarred.

But somehow, the clouds have parted, and the sun is shining again.

~~~

A rose. Standing in loneliness.

The ground broke, and the diamonds started burning.
The pedestal remains in pieces.

But the birds, they came. They came and sat on the rose.
The held it up when the ground parted,
and sheltered its eyes when the fire burned.

I can’t believe how I could’ve said I had no friends when the most beautiful amazing people have been here all this while.

If only I could be a bird too.

~~~

It’s time I stopped parenting.
It’s time I broke the pedestal.
It’s time I drew the lines.

It’s time.

~~

Funny. The mensus song seems so apt now.

This is what it feels like when you have to be a parent and a child at the same time.

When you have to be emotional yet cold.

When you have to feel your heart, but run with your mind.

When there’s simply no one to talk to.

I wish I could write as well as you do, but I can’t. I hope you find your sugar house and fairy tale.

~~~

The ground has cracked.

The diamonds are on fire.

But it has yet to rain.

My pedestal is breaking, and the pieces are flying once again.

Because I let it.

Leona Lewis - Here I Am

This is a crazy world
These can be lonely times
It’s hard to know who’s on your side
Most of the time

Who can you really trust
Who do you really know
Is there anybody out there
Who can make you feel less alone
Some times you just can’t make it on your own

If you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I’ll always be your friend

When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, hmmm

If you have broken dreams
Just lay them all on me
I’ll be the one who understands
So take my hand

If you reach emptiness

You know I’ll do my best
To fill you up with all the love
That I can show someone
I promise you you’ll never walk alone

Well if you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I’ll always be your friend

When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, oooo

Everybody needs somebody who
keep a heart and soul in two

Well if you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I’ll always be your friend

When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, Here I am

Here I Am - Leona Lewis

Ironic, that with a life so filled with drama, I can’t even act.

~~~

I had originally wanted to post stuff here about all my horrible drama.

But I realise people actually read this blog. And it’s on my facebook, so it’s probably best not to write anything.

Suffice to say, I haven’t felt like this in a very long time.

~~~

You know what, fuck it. This is my sanctuary and I’ll say whatever the fuck I want.

So, yes, A, hang up. That’s what you always do, you run away. You run away when people get close to your because you think you’re better than them. You think that your secrets are so special and sacred that no one can know about them. But when I tell you mine, I’m just being a secret whore.

You say I’m one of your best friends, but you don’t even treat me like one. You claim that I’m just using you, when really, you’re the one using me. You say what you want to say when you want to, and you completely shut me off when you feel like it. There’s no equal ground here, no safe way to share what I feel without being judged.

You’re being just like everyone else, taking my soul and running away with it, because you know what? That’s what everyone else does, and that’s what you’re doing. And you think you’re so special because of all your secrets.

Because when I tell you about the things that make me happy, you laugh at me.
When I tell you about how your silence kills me, you accuse me.
When I try to help you, you say I overstep my boundaries.
And when I just try to be your friend, you drop me.

Because that’s what you’re good at.

EMO EMO EMO EMO. Blogging when you’re emo. It’s like, telling someone you like them over msn.

~~~
And, once again, I’m alone.

Do you know what my problem is? My problem is not that I want to be out and queer, it’s not that I want to lose weight and be hunky, and it’s not that I want to go clubbing but have no gay friends.

My problem is, I wanna be a girl. Yes, that’s right. I want all the benefits of being gay without actually having to work for it.

I want a hot hunky man (I’m looking at you, you hottie in the brown shirt, bulging biceps and happily munching on McDonalds like it won’t go to your waist) to ravage me. I want him to carry me up and sit me on the ledge, make out with me, and still engage in glorious brilliant conversation, and still be more mature than I’ll ever be.

That’s why YOU GIRLS HAVE IT SO EASY. It’s not about periods, not about pregnancies and not about the army. It’s about the fact that you don’t really have to work yourself like a crazy horse just to get guys to stare at you. It’s that guys are naturally nicer and more subdued when they’re around you. And it’s definitely about how guys assert their masculinity and sometimes objectify you (oh like you don’t bask in the glory of it)

There simply aren’t that many hoops you have to jump through. Being gay sucks. I hate living up to all these standards and yet be judged for doing just that. I hate not having any gay friends. I hate the loneliness and the self-hate. I hate all of it.

Is when I have expectations. Because then I’ll be left with

Nothing.

Pity.

Nothing but Pity.

and mashed potatoes.

Maybe I should have a disclaimer. Or a warning.

Caveat Emptor.

~~~~~~~

Revelation #143: I get so embarrassed, that when I ruin a pot of potatoes, I feel like throwing them out because I don’t want people to know what a lousy cook I am.