You Don’t Know
98 Degrees

Who could know the emptiness inside
Every time I see your face
Too many feelings left behind
Do you wonder why
I turn away when you look at me
Never wanting your eyes to see
This desperate heart that knows
How perfect we could be

Baby cause you don’t know, how I feel
Livin’ my life without you
Baby and you don’t know what it’s like
Lovin’ you all this time
I’ll give you all my love, heart and soul
Riskin’ it all on a chance
Now when I need you the most, you don’t know

All I ever wanted in this world
Baby I found in you
I never felt this way before
But I can’t break through
And now I lie awake, alone at night
So afraid now to close my eyes
Just one more dream of you
I’ll carry here inside

Baby cause you don’t know, how I feel
Livin’ my life without you
Baby and you don’t know what it’s like
Lovin’ you all this time
I’ll give you all my love, heart and soul
Riskin’ it all on a chance
Now when I need you the most, you don’t know

And I would hold you all through the night
I would stay right by your side
And I’d give you the world if your love was mine
But baby could it be I’m only dreamin’
Don’t let it pass me by

Baby cause you don’t know, how I feel
Livin’ my life without you
Baby and you don’t know what it’s like
Lovin’ you all this time
I’ll give you all my love, heart and soul
Riskin’ it all on a chance
Now when I need you the most, you don’t know

I’m damaged because I still can’t stop thinking about you.
I’m damaged because I open a conversation window hoping you’ll talk to me
I’m damaged because I told your best friend to tell you he loves you because all I want is for both of you to be happy.
I’m damaged because I’m holding on to this fantasy even though it’s over.
I’m damaged because I don’t scream at people I should scream at because it’s rude.
I’m damaged because I’m not going to tell you how I feel because I’m afraid it will stress you out even more.
I’m damaged because I’m willing to drop everything and fly to be where you are if you want me to.
I’m damaged because I still cry when I think of all the places we’ve been and things we’ve done.
I’m damaged because I want to love you.

I want to tell you. That the moon and sun rise in your eyes. I want to whisper tender words so soft and sweet. I want to give you the moon and the stars. I want to give you the sun to make just one more dawn. I want to give you all my love, my heart and soul, risking it all on a chance. I want to be there to catch you when you fall.

I want to give it all.

But you don’t know.

I guess when the shit hits the fan, it’s always diarrhoea.

So I’ve had a whirlwind week. Revolving around a German, whom perhaps I got too close with.

Perhaps it was all in my mind, perhaps it was everything prior leading up to me being vulnerable, or some may suggest, desperate.

But for what it was worth, the nights (and days) spent crying, sobbing, tearing, over the transience of this. relationship. these nights, were worth the moments we got to spend together. Random ramblings, potato salad, bad breadth, lost donuts, and skimpy swimwear. A smile so sweet the world would stop each time, touch so soft, so seldom felt, but always full of meaning. And. Ayo.

Yes, as reality would dictate, it will all be over and done, and soon, the memories will have found their place in time – moments, as it were.

It’s funny though, because there seems to be more pain than there was happiness. But I can’t remember the pain. I remember the waiting, and I remember the presence, but I don’t remember the pain. I remember the funny things, the happy things, the teasing and the joking.

But for what it’s worth. The moments were precious. And that’s how they’ll always be.

Tell Him
Barbara Streisand & Celine Dion

I’m scared
So afraid to show I care
Will he think me weak
If I tremble when I speak
Oooh – what if
There’s another one he’s thinking of
Maybe he’s in love
I’d feel like a fool
Life can be so cruel
I don’t know what to do

I’ve been there
With my heart out in my hand
But what you must understand
You can’t let the chance
To love him pass you by

Tell him
Tell him that the sun and moon
Rise in his eyes
Reach out to him
And whisper
Tender words so soft and sweet
I’ll hold him close to feel his heart beat
Love will be the gift you give yourself

Touch him
With the gentleness you feel inside
Your love can’t be denied
The truth will set you free
You’ll have what’s meant to be
All in time you’ll see

I love him
(Then show him)
Of that much I can be sure
(Hold him close to you)
I don’t think I could endure
If I let him walk away
When I have so much to say

Tell him
Tell him that the sun and moon
Rise in his eyes
Reach out to him
And whisper
Tender words so soft and sweet
Hold him close to feel his heart beat
Love will be the gift you give yourself

Love is light that surely glows
In the hearts of those who know
It’s a steady flame that grows
Feed the fire with all the passion you can show
Tonight love will assume its place
This memory time cannot erase
Your faith will lead love where it has to go

Tell him
Tell him that the sun and moon
Rise in his eyes
Reach out to him
And whisper
Tender words so soft and sweet
Hold him close to feel his heart beat
Love will be the gift you give yourself

Oooh
Never let him go

Apparently I have a racist, homophobic hater who thinks I need plastic surgery!

I’ve got me a hater, wo hoo! I’m famous.

Meh.

And whom uses singnet. which adds on the loser factor.

OMG WORDPRESS ATE MY POST AGAIN.

Ok basically. Kris is cute. Brown is my dream school, but represents a greater dream. My dream is dead for now. Im sad. Kris represents the kind of guy I like but can never get. Weird emo link between dreams and finding love and happiness. I’m going to cry myself to sleep now.

Summaries rock.

I actually like this song a lot. The lyrics are really meaningful, naturally, the melody is catchy. And. you know. KRIS ALLEN!!!!
The Adam Lambert version is also very nice!

Seconds, hours, so many days
You know what you want but how long can you wait
Every moment lasts forever
when you feel you’ve lost your way
What if your chances are already gone
Started believing that I could be wrong
But you give me one good reason
to fight and never walk away

‘Cause here I am still holding on

Every step you climb another mountain
Every breath its harder to believe

You’ll make it through the pain
Weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you’ve almost gave up on your dreams
Then take it by the hand and show you that you can
There are no boundaries
There are no boundaries

I’m faulting my landing to stand on the edge
What if today is as good as it gets
Don’t know where the future is heading
Nothing’s gonna bring me down
I’ve jumped every bridge and I’ve run every line
I’ve risked being safe but I always knew why
I always knew why

So here I am still holding on

Every step you climb another mountain
Every breath its harder to believe

You’ll make it through the pain
Weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you’ve almost gave up on your dreams
Then take it by the hand and show you that you can

You can go higher
You can go deeper
There are no boundaries
Above and beneath you
Break every rule ’cause there’s nothing between you and your dreams

‘Cause every step you climb another mountain
Every breath its harder to believe, Yeah
There are no boundaries
There are no boundaries

Every step you climb another mountain
Every breath its harder to believe

You’ll make it through the pain
Weather the hurricanes
There are no boundaries
There are no boundaries
There are no boundaries

It’s been a couple of weeks since the AWARE incidence (I am refusing to call it a saga), and the aftermath has resulted in a discourse which, while I believe was the ultimate goal of Josie and friends, is good and necessary. Interesting to note, that while many have written to the various media sources claiming that parents would want their children to be heterosexual, that majority of Singaporean parents have probably never even considered this issue to begin with, because of our general shelteredness, or perhaps the sort of irresponsibility that marks our nation as a Nanny State.

But that is not my point of discussion today. Today, I wish to talk about the language that has been wrongly wielded about by those involved in discussion. Though, I would openly admit here that most of my observations are about the group who identify themselves as “conservatives”. In this highly non-academic post, I would like to point out several key words that have been bandied about without much thought, and my personal belief of the fallaciousness of their usage.

Asian Values

I shall begin my tirade with a denouncement of the term “Asian Values” for it has been the most widely used weapon against many ideologies, and has been a particular favourite of our wonderful government because apparently Lee Kuan Yew said it first. A quick hop over to the Wiki entry will provide you a general understanding of a perception of Asian Values, but as you will soon realise, Wikipedia is NOT the key authority on all the information in the world, and neither is the article very good, considering it has requests for citations littered throughout its text. Nor will I attempt to reference it at all, for the arguments presented herein have been formulated in my many nights of self-philosophisation.

But I digress.

Asian Values, as commonly (mis)used in this country, often refer to one of the two meanings, depending on context.

• Family is of utmost importance because it is a building block of society
• Society is greater than the self

I am sure, however, that the term can be manipulated to various other contexts, but given my general unfamiliarity with this concept, I am unsure what those are. And yes, I shall begin by admitting my ignorance of this term. Why? Because I really have no idea what it means.

The most blatant failure of this term, is the use of the word “Asian” – a word very much endeared by our non-Asian friends to refer to anything associated with the massive continent of Asia.  Because the Chinese and Indians are so similar. Or perhaps because Tibetan Culture and Singaporean Culture are one and the same. I’m sorry, but to call anything Asian is no different from calling it Oriental, or Exotic, because it is grouping varied peoples together and reducing them to one single term. Some people might even call that racist.

But to question the two meanings mentioned above, let us assume that the above paragraph were moot, and consider that in that case of “values”being modified by “Asian”, that, such a thing exists – what would the alternative be? Western Values? African Values? Oceanic Values? And in such systems, can we claim that family is of little or no importance? Can we also claim that families do not build society? Which, by the way is a stupid idea, because society is formed by people, and a family is simply a smaller group of people. And by that logic there is no other way of forming society except with families, both socially and biologically. And on the same logic, is it safe for us to assume that these other value-systems, because of their lack of focus on society over self, are somehow lesser societies because they do not perceive society first?

To answer these (hopefully rhetorical) questions, I will go ahead and choose one of these value systems, the supposed “Western” one – which, is by the same logic, equally racist, given that many South American nations are not as progressive as the rest of their cartographically left counterparts – as it is most commonly used on comparison with the divine bovine of Asian Values. It is claimed, by those who arm themselves with this Asian Values, that in Western societies, families are considered to be less important, considering the divergence of the family from the traditional understanding of two heterosexual parents and perhaps a kid or two. Maybe a dog too. Because families consisting of same-sex couples are not seen as abnormal, that their children will grow up somehow damaged – gay even.

Assuming I use the United States as a representative of the Western society, because it is one of the most conservative nations among what we know to be the Western World, I can safely say, based on my own experiences and existing policies in the U.S., that children are seen with high regard as the future of the nation and are protected at all costs, and that putting grandparents in homes is equally looked down upon as is in many other countries. As for the gay argument, let’s just say that gay children come from straight parents too.

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the assertion that Asian people value society above the self, and that the Western ideal of Human Rights promotes individualism, which is such a horrid concept. I argue, that indeed, the United States, as is enshrined in their founding documents, value deeply the idea of individual rights and freedoms, but this is not a promotion of individualism as seen by some as, by extension, a promotion of selfishness. Instead, a quick unscientific study of the U.S. society over, say, the Singaporean one, shows that civil society in the U.S. is much more alive and kicking than that in Singapore, despite our futile attempts at promoting volunteerism through the joy that is CIP. And that, the American culture is perhaps more willing to put in effort into simple niceties such as thanking someone for holding the door, or helping someone when they are lost, than a supposedly more society-centric one as we are.

I believe this argument has stemmed from the misunderstanding that promoting independence is akin to promoting individualism, which even in itself is not a bad concept. As mentioned above, a collective selfishness, as embodied by the capitalist system, is probably more effective at furthering society than a failed attempt at socialism.

On a more macro level, the question is this: what is present in Asian Values that is not in other value systems? I believe, that as human beings, we all share the same basic value system. The issue is, instead, about which particular area of this system we place with higher emphasis than the rest. And just as Western systems emphasize independence and individuality more than Asian systems, we can similarly see that within Asia, different countries emphasize different values differently.

To which I conclude, that there is no such thing as Asian Values.

Suggested Reading: The Audacity of Hope, in which Obama goes deeply into the different value systems within the U.S., and complements my points here with his entire chapter on “Values”.

Liberal & Conservative

To continue the argument, I would like to bring in the concepts of Liberal and Conservative, and first denounce their usage in local arguments as I believe people are simply using these terms based on their understanding that they obtain through the media – one very much constructed through American eyes.

While perhaps a select few people are using these terms correctly, I would like to ask, if the usage of these terms are caused by a common understanding of their meanings, or if these terms are merely used as a tool to rally people to one side or the other.

Unlike in the United States, Liberal and Conservative simply do not exist here, for we are not a bi-partisan electorate, in which where party lines are drawn inaccurately, but well. Again, in The Audacity of Hope, Obama discusses this, accurately pointing out that many Americans are similarly misaligning themselves to one side or the  other simply because they identify as Liberal or Conservative, as opposed to seeing the issues as they are.

Issues, that unfortunately do not exist here. Our law is clear on issues such as Abortion and Gun Control, and while we are still have yet to decriminalise homosexuality, we cannot claim to be Liberal or Conservative because we simply do not have these issues to divide us down the centre. Some of those who identify as Conservative, claim to do so on the vein that they are like their American brethren in their view that homosexuality is wrong, forgetting that the topic of controversy in the US is no longer of the legality of homosexuality, but that of gay marriage, an issue, by virtue of being even present, supports my point above that Western Values are not polar from Asian Values because the U.S., poster child of “The West” is not always as progressive as we think it is.

Simultaneously, Conservative Singaporeans often claim that Singapore, being a conservative nation, an assertion that has NEVER been backed by any research or evidence, should not have to pander to the Liberal ideals of The West, forgetting that the label of Conservatism also comes from The West – as does their ideals.

And there’s even usage of the term Liberalist, which, to my knowledge, holds no difference in meaning from the noun “Liberal”. While again Wiki is no source for accurate information, the Wiktionary entry for the ‘ist’ suffix, seems to be corroborated by many other dictionaries, and hence I reprint it here:

1. One who follows a principle or system of belief.

   Marxist, deist

   Note, these are related to -ism, e.g. Marxism, deism

2. A member of a profession or one interested in something.

   botanist

   psychiatrist, one who studies psychiatry

3. A person who uses something.

   violinist, one who plays a violin

4. A person who holds biased views.

   sexist, racist

The noun “Liberal”, in the sense of being “A Liberal”, is neither a principle or belief system (that being Liberalism), nor a profession, nor something that is an instrument which can be used. And, in fact, is already a noun fulfilling the first usage. I hence conclude that those who use the term Liberalist are simply trying to discount their opponents by somehow linking the idea of being liberal to something disdainful, much like the terms Sexist and Racist.

Homosexualism

Similar to the genius that is Liberalist, I denounce the idea of Homosexualism, as opposed to that of Homosexuality. From the Wiktionary entry for the ‘ism’ suffix:

1. the action or result of a verb

   baptism (from baptise)

2. a principle, belief or movement

   chauvinism (coined after Nicolas Chauvin)

   conservatism (from conservative)

   externalism

   feminism (from femina, Latin for woman)

   liberalism

   Marxism (coined after Karl Marx)

   masculism (from masculus, Latin for male)

3. a form of prejudice or discrimination, either for or against a group

   alphabetism (from alphabet)

   nationism (from nation)

   racism (from race)

   religionism (from religion)

   sexism (from sex)

   sexualism (from sexuality)

   ableism (from able)

   heterosexism (from heterosexual)

4. the defining attribute of a person or thing

   heroism (from hero)

   Shakespeareanism (coined after William Shakespeare)

5. a disorder

   autism (from autós, Greek for “self”)

Homosexuality is clearly a noun, and thus does not fit into the first usage. I posit, then, that it was created in line with the other usages of the ‘ism’ suffix. While the possible reasons for the creation of this conjugate is clear based on usages 3 and 5, those of 2 and 4 are not as clear.

2, because perhaps the idea that homosexuality is a belief or principle, something by choice, as opposed to something innate and incapable of being decided upon. And usage 4, as if to reduce gay people to being purely about homosexuality and exist only to “push for the homosexual(ism) agenda”.

When the ice is really thin, anything in sight that you can grab, you go for it.

Gays, Lesbians, Queers, Transexuals etc.

My main beef with the usage of these terms is the fact that they are used as nouns, which, while is not wrong in it self, is, to me, highly reductionist, much like the usage of Blacks and Women during their respective civil rights battles. Until upon a time when heteronormativism does not exist do I believe usage of these terms as nouns reduces every argument into an Us or Them one, which results in petty squabbles based on exclusion and elitism.

Lifestyle

Too many people have already gone on about this. Basically my point is this. I’m a gay man. I spent years dealing with my sexuality and finally accepting myself and coming out to myself. I told my mom, who has yet to completely accept it, and I have to make efforts to try to help her see that I am still her good son who loves her. I have to come out to new people I meet. There’s only a small group of gay guys out there that I can potentially couple with. I’m not promiscuous and I believe in working hard for a monogamous, loving relationship. I enjoy being with friends, and on occasion I like to dance in clubs. In most respects, I don’t see how my lifestyle is any different from anyone else’s. In others, I bring up the fact that being gay has brought me more pain than anything (so far). I am a rational being. No rational being would choose more pain than happiness if he/she had a choice. It’s not my choice. It’s not a lifestyle.

Social/Moral Fabric

This term I kept for last because, honestly, it’s a joke. I don’t know what fabric is being sewn here, but I believe the term as per its meanings of being “a framework” or “underlying structure” is more descriptive than prescriptive. Plus, it doesn’t actually say anything regarding the actual structure, except that it IS in fact, a structure.

——–

There. Many nights of rational and irrational thoughts and feelings about the words of the past couple of weeks have culminated in this. So please, stop abusing the language because it’s already such a sad bastard, and I actually like it a lot.

I’m not emo as I post this, but I just feel it most apt right now.

(Elphaba):
I’m limited
Just look at me – I’m limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn’t do, Glinda
So now it’s up to you
For both of us – now it’s up to you…

(Glinda):
I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you…

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend…

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda):
Because I knew you

(Both):
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I’ve done you blame me for

(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There’s blame to share

(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both):
Who can say if I’ve been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda):
And because I knew you…

(Elphaba):
Because I knew you…

(Both):
Because I knew you…
I have been changed for good…

I wanted to start off in chronological order, but wound up realising that all I want to talk about is Him. And in order to show the respect for the other people that will be mentioned:

It was great meeting all of you there yesterday, a rather interesting mix of people. But in particular, I want to thank LuYeeRazlanElise for listening to me rant about Him, especially the former, who was a total big sister to me. THANK YOU. I wished we could’ve moved around the table and talked to different people, but I guess that’s the problem with big groups, and why I generally don’t like them. Have fun in Penang y’all!

—-

So let’s talk about Him.

See, now one would not usually associate such emotions with someone who pops in, stir things up a little, and leave; but He was no ordinary stranger.

Our relationship, for lack of a better term, is one which I will remember forever as a singular moment in my life, a moment made up of smaller, special moments.

[Excessively drawn out and detailed post after the jump.]

It was nowhere near anything like a relationship in the common understanding of the term, but it was definitely something more than just a friendship. I will admit there was an element of sexual intention present, but I’m pretty sure my decision to keep it non-sexual made it a much better relationship that had I given in.

See, this relationship started off with the way we sat with the group, talking about everything from labels to the most bimbotic things that gay guys can talk about. But each time I turned and looked at him, and I did this pretty consciously because I’m such a slut, I would see his eyes intently looking at mine, listening to every word I said. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone give such time of day to my words the way he did.

And as the evening progressed, I found myself starring at him, sometimes hoping for a response – which I got at various intervals, with that same, comforting intensity. I don’t normally like to look at people’s eyes directly (I usually stare at their mouths, if you know me well enough), but with him, I felt so much comfort in his attention that allowing him access to my soul seemed natural.

There’s that bit about the jealousy, but it was not a malicious jealousy. Instead, it was a surprising feeling for me, one which was completely void of self-loathing, but was a simple untainted jealousy. But suffice to say, I had responded to it in a highly distant, teasing and perhaps obviously over-involved manner, something I’ve come to admit, more so now than before, was a defence mechanism. (Edit: I realised how obscure this paragraph is. Basically, there was someone else.)

Over dinner, (we sat across from each other) I found my attraction burgeoning to a state where I was ready to admit that I liked this guy, and every time our eyes crossed paths (so cheesy, I know) I could feel that whatever it was I was emitting, I was getting back.

By night time, I had fully accepted the fact that my jealousy was healthy, but was not getting in the way of me enjoying myself, and that was exactly why clubbing was invented.

Halfway between Madonna and Britney, I find him dancing behind me, hands slowly rising up upon my leg. Dancing grew into touching, which then turned into making out (obscure pop-culture reference!), which was very very enjoyable. And he managed to slip into the conversation, whatever little of it we had between tongue, about going over to my place. He’s either very smart like that, or has very good planning abilities. It weaves through my mind for a moment, and I immediately refuse. In part because of my personal vow of temporary chastity, and in part because the thought of sleeping with a guy behind closed doors while my mom sleeps with her room door open freaks me out.

As we exit the club at some ungodly hour, I apologise to him, and he laughs it off, mocking me about being so repressed.

I like him even more.

As we sat down to food and the glorious company of two friends (one of whom was very bravely hit upon, and who was even nice enough to go sit with the guy who engaged in the hitting on), we look at each other and giggle like little school girls (no, not a young lesbian reference). I look into his eyes, trying to stave away the shyness, and realise his eyes were this deep, calming turquoise. Earlier, in the club, I found out that he had a boyfriend back home, and perhaps that was one of the other reasons why I refused his offer to ravage me. But the point here is that I got curious about the way his open relationship worked and asked him about it.

The conversation carried on onto the cab, as I began opening up to him, and found my hand tightly clasped with his. Our hands were a nice anecdote for the ways we treated each other, mine smaller, more repressed, but confident and self-sure. His larger, more experienced, and always caring, but never infantalising. We talked about our lives for a while, and stole a kiss in the cab right before I alighted.

I went to sleep happy that night.

The next few days I experienced a longing so unfamiliar to me. I had him on my mind literally every waking moment, but it was never like in the past. I never felt inadequate or inferior. I never felt like I couldn’t have him because I wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t have him because that was how our relationship was supposed to be. It was to be a moment in time, untainted by a future, and preserved as it should be.

Tuesday evening, I offer to send him off at the airport, and find myself getting uncharacteristically happy the rest of the night.

Wednesday came, and I hop into a cab and went in his direction. He drops his backpack into the boot, and joins me in the back seat, where we sit a polite distance away from each other. As the cab driver obviously takes the longer route to cheat us of our money, I take off his hat to see his gorgeous blonde hair with brown roots. He explains how he’s going to layer his hair, dropping in a gay reference because that’s how we roll.

I run my fingers through his hair, and edge closer toward him. We say to each other semi-funny, partially-sarcastic things, and as we laugh an easy laugh, he places his hand on my angled leg. I look at his arm, and the way his arm rested on my thigh made me feel as if we were alone on a beach with a distant flame iluminating our faces. I comment on the blonde hair on his arm, and slightly rub it with a shy knuckle. My other leg moves up and caresses his hand just slightly. That is the one moment I will never forget.

We spent the whole morning talking more about lives and friends over Popeyes, and before we know it, our two hours is up and are standing in front of the departure gate.

“So this is it. Goodbye.” There was a slight unease about his voice, but it also had the tranquillity of the maturity he possessed which attracted me in the first place. I don’t even remember what he said because I was holding back my tears, wishing for my voice not to crack. “Have fun,” I said.

I walked to the viewing gallery, reflecting on the many tiny moments we had in this moment of a relationship. Sitting down at the viewing gallery, I took out my laptop and intended to do the research that I had told myself I need to do. And as I pulled up web page after web page, I found the thoughts of him taking front and centre so much that I could not focus on the words that were appearing in front of me at all.

A tear trickles down the side of my cheek. And I keep it in, because I’m strong. And because I’m so not going to cry in public.

I reach home at night after hanging out with A, shopping, getting my mind off of things, and checking in to make sure he (A) was still alive.

I lay in bed, a glass once filled with ice and kahlua stands on top of my computer. I’m sad. Very sad. But never once did I feel like I hated myself, or I had blamed myself because I wasn’t good enough. For once, I was showed that it was precisely because I was good enough, that I felt that way. I cry quietly to sleep, hoping that the next morning will be better than the last.

Morning comes, and the feelings feel mostly gone, and there’s a slight unease. Should I be moving on so quickly? I liked the way I hurt, I liked the way my emotions were so intertwined with my soul. But I suppose I should be, that’s the right thing to do. And so I take this moment, and I place it in my pocket, taking it out once in a while to reminisce that wonderful moment I had with a stranger. That wonderful moment where I felt safe and protected, where the world never stopped, but somehow, I felt like it did. And if nothing else, the value of the moment taught me so much about what I needed to do with my life, how I should be much more concrete now in my ideals and dreams, because dreams do come true, and sometimes, they happen right in front of your eyes without you even knowing.

Thanks, S, for that wonderful moment.